The Battle of Self-Worth

I was talking to my sister and telling her that I couldn’t make a decision of what I should write about today. Too many ideas have been going through my mind and I couldn’t pinpoint which one was speaking to me the most. Her suggestion was “Find some motivating things to discuss involving self-worth and confidence. I need the inspiration”. What a perfect topic! Who doesn’t struggle with self-worth at times? So here you go sis….

I have fought the battle of low self-esteem my entire life! I can remember being quite young and believing that I was ugly and fat. No little girl is ugly and fat but i believed this lie. I was very much an introvert and had very few friends and at times none at all. I was often the girl who walked the playground by myself and I detested games that involved picking partners or having captains picking teams because I was always picked last. To be honest I was quite lonely. When my preteen years hit I was angry, depressed, and became obsessed with suicide. I feel like I hid my pain well with a quite smile but on the inside I was broken. For a long time I took my anger out on another little girl who didn’t deserve my wrath. I was cruel and said horrible things to her. She was dealing with her own childhood hell and I honestly don’t know if I will ever fully forgive myself for the way I bullied her. I pushed my insecurities off on her instead of being the role model and friend she needed me to be. Luckily somehow by God’s grace that girl is now my best friend and my biggest supporter.

My teenage years were basically a drunken and drugged out nightmare and I had very few friends that were girls. The boys on the other hand I was popular with. I felt very plain, pale, boring, and of course fat but for some reason they noticed me. It made me feel special when people started finally realizing I existed. I developed an unhealthy belief that my self-worth and confidence came only from how many men took notice of me. I was giving myself over to them freely just so I could feel a “false sense” of love for a few moments. My insecurity in myself traveled with me to my adult life and I became like a chameleon. I was only what a man wanted me to be. I had no self-identity. I wore my hair the way they wanted, wore the clothes they preferred, and their interests became my interests. I ended up somehow being one of those girls that age hasn’t put a dent in my “skin deep” beauty and as my drinking problems worsened so did my problems with men. I was a blackout drinker so I’ve often made poor choices and have been taken advantage of with no memory of it, I’ve been raped which took whatever bit of self dignity and respect i had with it, and I had to delete all of my social media because men became like vultures messaging me. At first I thought the attention of men was flattering but over time my self-respect, self-love, self-worth, and dignity was diminished. I had cut my hair and purposely gained weight so men would no longer take notice of me . I was no longer going to bars with glamorous long hair and dresses that were too tight and too short to gain all of this negative attention. I was drinking all alone and drowning in my pain. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

Today I stand confident in knowing who I am! I’m strong, I’m beautiful inside and out, I have respect for myself, and I’m considerate of how my actions affect others. I don’t need the approval of anyone but my Lord and Savior because his opinion of me is the only one that matters. I struggle with addictions and insecurities but they no longer rule my life! I sometimes have blue hair, I dress “weird”, and I love tattoos and piercings! I’m never going to be a size 0 but beauty comes in all shapes and sizes! I workout to be a healthy vessel for which the Holy Spirit dwells and to feel better about myself physically and emotionally! I do not work on my body to be a sexual object of men because I have dignity and respect for myself and my husband! I’m an imperfect mother but I love my children with everything I have! I’m no longer the lonely little girl and I will not continue carrying around her pain! I will continue fighting for my sobriety and everyone else that I can reach out to because I am not a statistic and I believe that ALL PEOPLE CAN CHANGE! We must learn to love ourselves with all of our flaws! God does not make mistakes! His children just get lost at times! Believe in yourself! You are beautiful and you are worth it!

I forgive myself for having believed for so long, that I was never good enough to have, get & be what I wanted.
-Ceanne DeRohan

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