Yesterday I celebrated four months of sobriety! Yeah God! Not everyday is easy but it’s worth it! The longer I walk on this path the closer I get to God and the more he reveals to me about myself. I feel like lately he has been showing me that its time to get to the root of the problem! Any substance abuse is just a mask for an underlying problem. My underlying problem is Self-Love! This is something I’ve been fighting God on but as you know he always wins! I think for a lot of us we believe that self-love is vanity and have steered clear of taking the time to get comfortable with who we are. I know this is the case for me! I have had a low self-image my whole life. I’ve carried that voice around inside of my head telling me that I’m worthless, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, never good enough or enough period for anyone or anything. Although my voice of reason tells me these things are ridiculous usually the negative wins. Not anymore! I’m going to start trusting God and know that he is healing me on the inside! I’ve had so many people tell me how much they love reading about my journey and how inspiring they find my story to be and I love everyone’s support but some days these comments make me cry. It’s so silly but at times in my head I feel so unworthy of this “call” God has brought to my life. I struggle to much. I’m not spiritually strong enough. I don’t have a positive enough attitude. Lies all fed to me by the enemy. I have to remind myself that God can choose whomever he sees fit! I know spreading my faith, hope, and love is my call and I’m not going to take that for granted! God has sent so many amazing people to my life through this journey and lately the people who have been seeking me out the most are those who struggle with food. When God told me it was time to talk about my struggles over the years with food I said “God can we keep anything left hidden in the closet or are we gonna bring everything to the table”! Well, looks like we are bringing everything to the table literally!
As most of you know I love to run! I believe that exercise is vital to recovery! We have to replace bad habits with good habits. Working out is something I could do all day! It brings me happiness. What doesn’t bring me happiness is food. I’m sure this unhealthy habit stems from childhood and there was a time in my life that I knew true hunger. So growing up I ate all the time. My dad would call me the “garbage disposal” because I would clean my plate and everyone else’s who didn’t finish their meal. When I became a teenager is when I started being concerned with my body. I’m 5’10” and at that time was 130lbs. I was a runner then but I felt huge compared to my friends. Most of them griped about being 100lbs and I was well over that. My brain did not care that I was also 6-10 inches taller than most of them. I will never forget one day at track having a coach tell me that I was going to have to push myself harder because I was carrying around more weight then all of the other girls. Those words were devastating to me and I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm but I was crushed. So I continued to run harder but my body continued to fill out. Looking back I know my body was proportional to my height but I thought I was fat. Even though I believed this lie I couldn’t stop what I call “binge eating” so I was running multiple times a day hoping to make up for it. Everyone over eats at times. A binge is different. It’s normally, in my case anyway, done alone and in secret. Its disgusting amounts of food consumed all at once. Sweets or carbs for me. This is honestly more embarrassing to admit to everyone then my life of addiction! I’ve never talked to anyone about this until today! So anyway, in my late teen years and early twenties I’m sure you can see why I was so in love with the drugs Meth and Cocaine. They made the hunger stop. They helped me stay bone thin because I rarely ever ate. When I became pregnant with my daughter I no longer had drugs to help me stay thin and the binges became non stop. I gained sixty pounds. I was 225 when I went to deliver. The fact that I was this large was disgusting and shameful to me but there was nothing I could do about it until after she was born. Once she was in the world and her father and I divorced the life of starvation began. I didn’t have much money, my daughter was a sick child so she could only have liquids at the time so I never wasted our money on food for myself. I would normally have two slimfast shakes a day and a diet pill. The only time I ate actual food was when we would go over to my parents. I was back down to being extremely thin. There was a period of time right before I met my current husband that I lived with my cousin who loves nutrition and I began learning how to eat healthy but I was still taking diet pills because I could feel the binges making their way back. When Chris and I got married we started working on having a family right away. I ran the entire time with both of my pregnancy’s with my boys but still gained 40lbs each time. After we had our second son and I finished breastfeeding a horrible depression set in. I could no longer have more children and as I’ve mentioned before that is when my drinking started becoming out of control and it was the same for food. During this dark period I decided I wanted to finally do something for myself before I was too old. I had dreamed of being a model my whole life and I had heard the phrase “At least your face is pretty” more times then I can count so I gave it a shot. I had so many photographers want to take my photos and I actually felt very comfortable in front of a camera. Which makes no sense but I do. The more I pursued this the more often I got to hear how much bigger I am then a typical model and heard little comments about my thighs. The battle of binges and starvation was non stop. I would binge and then I would drink nothing but liquids for days. I felt so out of control with my life, with alcohol, and with food and I began searching for ways to throw up after my binges but I couldn’t. So I started using laxatives to help get the food out of my body faster plus I found new heavy duty diet pills to make the hunger go away. I feel so ashamed to be admitting all of this. I was a complete mess!
It’s so crazy to me that for someone who can see so much beauty in everyone else can’t see it in herself but I’m working on it. I see beauty in every shape, size, and age. I’m constantly telling women that they are beautiful just the way they are! God has been sending so many women and teens to me that struggle with over eating, anorexia, and bulimia. I just want to say “Don’t you know how beautiful you are”! They don’t though. Society tells us and our minds tell us that we have to be a certain size to be accepted in this life. We have unrealistic beauty standards. I want everyone to realize how important it is to love and respect yourself and that includes me learning to love myself. God has been showing me that its ok to want to work out and be healthy but its not ok to use unhealthy methods and that I relied on “Drunk Misty” or “Using Misty” for so many years because I was so insecure with just being me. I have spent a lifetime not feeling ok in my own skin and I now have no more crutches to rely on so its time to get comfortable being me and learn to love the person that God made me to be.
Remember that no matter what size or weight you are God made you beautiful because he doesn’t make mistakes! Lets all strive to be healthy not skinny!
Have a beautiful and blessed day!