I did it! I did it! I did it! That’s how I’m feeling! It feels surreal that I’ve made it this far! Two years ago I wouldn’t have bet money on myself being able to live an alcohol free life and I know their were many people who didn’t take my journey seriously either. I don’t blame them! We all thought I was going to be a party girl for life! Man did God have different plans. Today I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how far I’ve come. Remembering the out of control wreck I use to be and the woman I am now. I’m not perfect. I’m so far from it but one of the beautiful things that has changed about me is that I’m always working on myself. I don’t live a life blaming others for my problems. I’m all about self-help (insert smiley face). My former-self LOVED self-loathing. Loved blaming anyone and everyone for her problems (except herself of course). Any and every excuse to drink could be found to numb years of pain instead of dealing with it. I held so many grudges and I had a heart full of un-forgiveness. It has taken time but thank you Jesus I no longer have a heart like that!
Today I was thinking back on some of my dark moments. Not to feel guilt and shame but to remember why I stay on this path. I was remembering days of depression, of being at my worst. Days where day drinking had become a pretty typical part of my life. Days where I would wait until noon to get my day drinks going, because everyone knows that is the acceptable time to get started, and also if you wait until noon that means you are not an alcoholic! I have to laugh at my logic. I remember shoving beer cans into the very bottom of the trash can so my husband wouldn’t know I had been drinking. Like he didn’t know! I was in denial for such a long time about my problem. Part of me knew I wasn’t okay. I knew I wasn’t the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. that I wanted to be and then there was this other part of me that always lied and told myself I was ok. I remember in these dark moments thinking my family would be so much better off without me. I would think “I’m such a wreck and I mess up everything”. Man that was such a lie straight from the pit of Hell and I can’t help but wonder how many other women are hearing that same lie. It’s not true friends! I’m so thankful that my husband didn’t give up on me even when I had given up on myself. More importantly I’m thankful that God did not give up on me! He never gives up on us! No matter how bad we think it is. No matter how badly we think we have messed up. God restores!
If I’m going to be honest I do have moments that I just wish I could be normal. You know I thought by year two that “feeling” addicts feel would be gone. It’s not. I thought by now that I wouldn’t hold my breath and look at the salad dressings as I walk past the alcohol section in the grocery store (yes super weird thing I do) but that’s what I do every single time! I thought that by now I would no longer have alcoholic type thoughts but I do every single day. Although I thought things would be different by now I’m grateful. I think often about the verses from James 1 2-4 msg “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” I’m grateful for these feelings that remind me of who I never want to be again. These feelings help me reach out to others that fight this battle. These feelings keep me fighting to be the best version of me. So I’ll be grateful for them for as long as God chooses for me to have them.
Today friends I want you to know that people can change. So don’t give up on yourself or that person you’ve been praying for. Marriages can be restored. Your babies can remember a strong, happy, healthy mommy and not the sick person you once were. Jesus can change everything. He changed everything for me.
Now here is where I let out a squeal and do a victory dance because for today I’ve made it! Through Jesus I’m going to keep making it! Ah, two years free! Dance with me friends…..