Last year when I wrote my daughters story my middle guy asked “Mommy will you write a story about me for my birthday?” I thought to myself “sure baby after you have experienced trials and tribulations I will write your story”. I immediately told God that I never wanted him to experience trials and tribulations but I knew very well that it was part of life. It wasn’t until now (his birthday weekend a year later) that God showed me that my guy has a story. His story started before he was ever born.
I’m going to have to take ya’ll back to right before Christmas of 2006. My husband (fiance at the time) and I were on our way to Stillwater, Ok to do some Christmas shopping and finish packing up my things since we would be getting married in just a few days. On the hour and half drive over I am sick as a dog. I’ve got a cold/flu..who knows! So looking back on this moment I’m not sure if my husband was trying to cheer me up since I felt so lousy or was just trying to get out of buying me a Christmas present but he says “I’ve been thinking about your Christmas present.” He proceeds to tell me that my present is that he would like to start trying to have a baby as soon as we are married! Knowing him he just didn’t know what to get me for Christmas so “Hey let’s have a baby” but it worked. I was beyond words excited and so ready to be a mother again. My daughter was a couple months shy of turning three so I knew she was going to be at least four years older than a sibling.
So a month after our honeymoon sure enough two pink lines. The memory of telling my husband that he was going to be a father for the first time is permanently etched into my mind. He was white as a ghost and looked like he could faint! For me though everything was right on schedule.
Ten weeks into my pregnancy I started spotting. I was told by the nurses not to worry that this was normal and to put my feet up. After a couple of days of this the doctor decided to see me and my Momma drove me over. I will never forget that feeling of being told your baby has no heartbeat. I couldn’t breathe. There were no words. Just heartache. Mom tried to console me but for some reason I just couldn’t be touched. All I wanted was him. My husband.
I’ve never forgotten these words of sympathy from my Mother in law. She said “If I hadn’t lost one I wouldn’t have Chris (my husband).” At the time it didn’t fully sink in. I couldn’t think of future babies. It was hard to look past the pain of the loss of this baby. It wasn’t until the day I held a white-haired boy with bright blue eyes that these words finally rang true for me.
It was a bit of a process of ups and downs getting to Haden’s pregnancy but finally it happened. I felt like I was on pins and needles until we reached the 12 week mark then whew!!! Finally! Sigh of relief! Then at 13 weeks I woke up early one morning with major bleeding. I just cried. Not again. I can’t do this again. My parent’s drove me over to the doctor for an ultrasound and I was praying for my baby but knew things weren’t looking good. I wasn’t ready to hear those words the ultrasound tech could have waiting for me. I almost didn’t believe it when they said “Your baby is ok and has a strong heartbeat.” His heartbeat was one of the best sounds I’ve ever heard. I later experienced this exact same scenario with his little brother.
I’m so thankful that both of my guys held on. My body tried to miscarry both of them but they held on. God has plans for them!
I think about my heaven baby. Baby H. All of our children start with H so I knew it would be an h name. In my mind the baby was a boy but I was also sure Haylee was a boy and that Heath was a girl so I’m not so sure that I have great mothers intuition. 😉 I have an ultrasound pic that I keep in a little box of him that I look at from time to time. I’m not sure why God chooses to call some babies back up but I know I trust his plan. I know if he hadn’t called this little one back home we wouldn’t have our Haden. Haden was conceived in August. Baby H would have been born in October. I also take comfort in knowing that I will meet my little one someday.
My heart goes out to all women and momma’s who have experienced loss or difficulty conceiving. I know God has a plan for you! Over the past couple of years God has put several women in my path that have all had difficulties in this area. I’ve been able to pray for, pray over, pray with these women and guess what ladies? All of these women now have babies either through their own pregnancy, through adoption, or both! It just so happens that I get to love on one of the little guys almost everyday! 🙂 God is faithful! He hasn’t forgotten you sister. Don’t give up hope!